When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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