I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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