You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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