Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
