dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
