If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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