I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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