I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
