Plan B is the new Plan A
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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