Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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