the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
