Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
