I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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