my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
