the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
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Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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