I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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