I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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