Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
