Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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