We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
