get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
