I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
