i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
