miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
