I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
