I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize