One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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