she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
