Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
