Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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