And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
