non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
