call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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