I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My liver just broke up with me...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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