i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
