How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
