to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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