i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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