I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
