Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
