dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
