do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
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We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize