I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
