that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
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Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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