She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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