"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Can I color on your dick again?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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