How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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