Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
