Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
