Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
