I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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