please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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