i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
