the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
