We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
