You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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