soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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