I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
